We all have needs, but are we meeting them too quickly, and ultimately extinguishing the ability to find true companionship?
I want to start this little chat off with a very simple statement, I like sex. I like sex a lot, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
What I do want to talk about is how I have found myself using sex to fulfill a need that isn’t directly correlated to my greater wants, needs, and truths. This often happens when dating becomes difficult because of whatever excuses I could employ, but really because I’m allowing it. We have to take ownership for our actions, so I’m doing just that.
While I like sex, what I have come to understand, through years of self-work, is that I like companionship way more. Yes, I want to get naked with someone, like all the time, but I want to get naked with a person I have emotionally invested myself in. It’s something I personally find way more fulfilling, and helps me feel more at peace when thinking about life’s greater purpose.
I’m not saying that I think we all need to wait till we are married to have sex. To be honest, I actually think this could be a bit dangerous when it comes to longterm relationships as sex is a huge part of one, but you have to hike your own hike. What I am saying is that while I like sex, I like so many other things that come along with sex, when you are having it with the same person, even more.
I like waking up and giving someone a kiss good morning, morning breath and all. I like texting someone in the afternoon asking them how their day is going. I like heading home to know that someone will be there waiting for me, or vice versa. I like knowing that I have my dinner buddy regardless of whether we are eating out or ordering in. I like late night chats, and discussions about what we want out of this crazy thing called life. I like being a support system for a person I have grown to care a lot about, and having them be part of mine. I like having a partner, a lover, my lobster.
While we continue to live, or simply exist in some cases, in an age where we are overstimulated and over-connected digitally, but under-stimulated and under-connected in real life, I find myself questioning when will the word enough finally mean something.
When will I be enough for someone else? When will someone else be enough for me? When if ever is enough no longer enough, but really fucking delicious tasting?
I’ve come really close to enough. I’ve found men, who I felt were enough for me, but through time realized I wasn’t enough for them. I’ve found men, who I thought were enough for me, but through time realized they were in fact, not enough for me. I’ve found myself in every situation one can imagine: being dumped, doing the dumping, getting back together, breaking up with someone, but not wanting to, and the list goes on. Was any of it enough?
Possibly, but I’d rather look back at each one of those situations as a learning lesson, not as some if/then situation that only further drives us crazy. I do know that each time I have found myself single after being with someone, I take a ride on the promiscuous side, and then quickly realize that what I am doing is not fueling my soul, my heart’s desires, or my brain’s wants. They say the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. While the saying is clever, I don’t think it is the most productive way to truly move forwards. I’m speaking from personal experience here.
Jumping into bed with someone else, especially after we have just experienced a break-up means that we project feelings onto someone else, and aren’t actually letting ourselves sit with the questions we may have about what went wrong. We shouldn’t drown in our emotions or sorrows, but we should feel our feelings, and to numb our loneliness with sex will never truly allow that to happen. Yes, it feels really fucking good to be desired by someone else, especially after feeling rejected, but that is a fleeting feeling that often only makes us feel even lonelier after the deed is done.
Sex is amazing. If you are old enough, mature enough, safe enough, and smart enough to act in a consensual naked body to naked body, or sometimes not even naked, experience than it can be an elevating experience for your mind, body, and soul. However, getting naked with someone emotionally takes even more vulnerability, maturity, strength, and wisdom that is far harder to develop than any quickie can accomplish.
At this point you may be thinking nope, not me. I like sex easily available and I want options. To which I say, great, good for you. Seriously, no shade or shame. What I am saying is that I personally have found myself looking to fulfill a void of intimate companionship with easy sex that just doesn’t correlate.
I’ll also be honest, I don’t know if I’ll never have a casual hook up ever again. However, as I get older, and really start to find myself understanding that enough is a choice that we have to consciously make one day, I have found myself turning down easy sex for nights in with myself. They can be lonely. They can be uncomfortable. But I’d rather feel those fleeting things when actually by myself than with some person I just met and know nothing about.
Sex is amazing, but so is seeing a really old couple wobbling down the street holding hands after years of ups and downs. True companionship, the kind that is built over years, and that has history to it, now that is really amazing. Ultimately, in my opinion, we should all enjoy our lives however best suits us. I firmly believe there are no rules. What we should all remember is that great sex will come and go, and that is ok. But if you are lucky enough to find someone, who has a smile that you could stare at forever, a brain that inspires you, and a heart that fills you up, do your very best to let them know how amazing they are, and that you feel lucky enough every day to have found them.
It’s not about being a romantic verses wanting to be a single forever. What it is about, is sharing the love you have inside of you because that is the greatest gift you will ever be able to give to someone else, but also yourself. So the next time you want to turn on Grindr, Tindr, or whatever other app you may use to find a quick hit of dopamine, take a minute and think is this what I really want, or is this just a quick hit of something that doesn’t actually help me in the journey for enough.