If I’m Being Honest, What I Have To Say Isn’t So Happy

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If I’m being honest there is always a bit of sadness that sits behind my sunshine. It’s not overwhelming, unmanageable, or something that hurts my heart often, but it’s something that shows itself every now and then when I’m not living my truth and taking time to fully reflect. It’s something that holidays bring about, and that I’m reminded of when groups of families and friends get together to go off on a getaway.

If I’m being honest I feel lonely more than I’d like admit. It’s something that a lot of time alone creates, and that hides behind a life that doesn’t just look full, but is beyond full. Full of magic, adventure, and humanity. But one that has made me unsettled, constantly on the move, and unable to build a life with someone else, which I know can’t be forced, but is something I yearn for.

If I’m being honest I don’t like to be this honest because I know how lucky, fortunate, and special my life has become thanks to a lot of hard work. I’ve seen what real hardships are, and I’ve lived many of them as well, so to express the less than beautiful parts of my life often feels superfluous, trite, and insensitive. I’ve seen children, women, and men in places like Kenya, Cambodia, and Brazil, living in poverty, unsure of where their next meal will come from, and that don’t have clean and safe access to the things that are declared basic human needs. I know everyone has their own problems, and we should never belittle our own, but when you’ve seen these things first-handedly it makes you question what you call your problems and push them aside. I know this is not healthy, but is all too real for many of us. 

If I’m being honest having all that I have, but having so much family trama and drama still present in my life makes me feel guilty, sad, helpless, and overwhelmed. I’ve helped many many times, in many different ways, but have learned that till someone helps themselves, your attempts will only enable, and that does no good for anyone. I’ve learned to lend my support how I can, continue to be an example of what they too can be, and swallow the things that are too hard to say publicly because they are far darker than most will understand.

If I’m being honest I don’t want to come off as ungrateful, whining, or obnoxious because I have felt the wrath of being misunderstood by the internet, and I’m worried what might happen if my words aren’t as clear and explanatory as possible. I don’t want sympathy or attention, I just want to be honest that for all the joy, peace, and gratitude, there is still so much to work on and through. That what you see is one second out of a whole day that has been chosen because it is beautiful, entertaining, and what I have learned to be crowd pleasing. 

If I’m being honest I know that what I’m feeling now is something I have felt before. These feelings are feelings that will pass, but I’ve learned they are feelings that will come back if changes are not made. It is weird to get to a place in your life so young, where most of your dreams have come true, but to find yourself once again feeling lost, unsure, and uneasy. You ask yourself why? But very shallow, below the surface, you know why. It’s because you aren’t living your life to the fullest of your heart’s desires. You have let the “what you are supposed to do” be championed by the “what your soul needs you to do.”

If I’m being honest, I’ve been very honest in private about many of these things before, but the time has come to speak publicly about not being so honest. Too many people look to emulate this life, and rightfully so. We throw up our highlight reel, throw on a smile, and throw out everything that is good in our lives because we are supposed to, but that is not the full story. We need to share our full stories if we stand any chance at continuing to grow, evolve, and become more humble versions of ourselves.

If nothing else comes from this short little piece of truth, I hope some of you read these words and feel a bit more seen, heard, and understood because that is what this life is about for me. Humanity is not lost, but for many of us it isn’t as present as it should be, so for now I just want to send you the love, the apology that you may need for whatever reason, and the understanding that you are supremely understood.

It is with a heavy heart, tears flowing from my eyes, and a deep breath being taken that I say, I too am feeling lost right now. I will continue to share my story in the hope that it positively affects at least one of you in some way. I will continue to travel, open my heart, and put kindness and love out into the world. I will continue to be an outspoken voice for the LGBTQ community, children around the world, women, the environment, animals, and whatever else I feel needs to be more seen and heard because we only have one life to do what is right, and I want to make mine count.

Ever since I was young my mission in life is to leave this place better than how I came into it. When I reflect, I’m beyond humbled to know I have and will continue to do so. But now, more than ever, I need to focus on what is next in my life, and I will be turning to you guys for guidance and help as well. I’ve been independent in many ways since I was 14, and asking for help has never been my strong suit, so in this moment I am going to push all the shame away that I can, and ask for your help in answering what could be next. Where do I want to put down roots for the long haul? Who do I want to be? How can I help even more? What else can I be doing for my body, my mind, and my soul? And ultimately, what is all this truly about anyways?

If I’m being honest putting this out there is far scarier than I can fully explain, but I know it needs to be said. I thank you for understanding where I’m coming from. I couldn’t be more grateful to have you with me on this journey. I’m beyond humbled to give you some of my light, and even more so to receive some of yours as I walk whatever new hike emerges. Thank you, it means so much more than I can explain in this moment, truly.

Much love as always,


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Posted on July 7, 2019 .