You tried everything.
However, when something doesn’t work, it just doesn’t work, no matter how you try and spin it.
You know you tried to communicate your feelings, your wants, your needs. You even found someone to help mediate what was getting lost in translation, to try and make sense of what wasn’t making sense, but he just didn’t want to give you those things. He just didn’t want to meet you in the middle. He just didn’t want to meet you at all.
You could argue with yourself that this was all in your head, but he actually said he was coming to meet you, and then he didn’t at all. A metaphor for your relationship, and a knife to the heart.
It wasn’t like you were asking for lavish things, or held unrealistic expectations. You were simply looking to build a life with your partner in a way that was evolving and progressing. In a way that said we’re growing together, not separately.
You fell in love, and you tried your damnedest to show him how amazing it feels to fall, but he just didn’t want to fall with you. He was unable to find your silliness a place of comfort to be his silly self.
You tried acting differently, and putting your needs and feelings aside. You tried speaking every love language you could think of, hoping that he would finally speak at all.
But all you got was uncomfortable stares, judgmental comments, and just enough when he knew it was almost too late.
You hit your breaking point, you broke your own heart, and so you needed to take a break.
You tore yourself away from the person you became addicted to, and asked for some space, but even that was too much to ask for. It wasn’t on his terms, so your needs weren’t met, and you found your your heart conflicting with your brain.
You knew what had to be done because you had been here before. You knew you needed to finally say goodbye and mean it. You knew you had to hurt yourself by hurting him. You knew you needed to walk away from the love that made sense in your heart, but not in your brain.
You found the strength to utter the things you never wanted to utter through teary eyes and your crackling voice. You watched the future you had imagined disappear, and the dreams of building a family vanish into thin air.
Your heart hurts in the most profound way because you know there’s no going back.
You tore a metaphorical limb off in coming to this get-wrenching, heart-breaking, soul-crushing decision. In getting to this point, you already had to lose the limb, and even though you can see it right there in front of your face, there’s no way to reattach it.
In the past, you had tried reattaching, and building it stronger, but there was no way to save the arm that was never actually there.
You lost what felt like a part of yourself, and you know you’ll never feel this specific love again.
And just when you thought it couldn’t any worse, he finally said everything you had dreamt of hearing.
That he finally wanted what you wanted. That he finally wanted that dream you had scared him with. That he finally wanted to move forwards as a team.
The words he finally speaks hit you like bullets because you know they’re meant to kill. Family, babies, house on the beach, travel the world. One after the other you hear as you teeter between shock, frustration, and sadness.
Your mind swirls with every emotion.
This combination of words that he shoots at you with the gun that is the lips you loved to kiss, break your already broken heart into an ever growing number of pieces. They haunt you just as you thought you’ve truly moved on, and rip the stitching that is your heart trying to mend itself back together.
There’s no mess to clean up, no public pictures to remove, and no big things to exchange because he was protecting himself from this part the whole time. It’s a clean break, or as clean as the situation would allow.
He told you he’d always be there, but a simple question was met with so much despair. An hour long conversation based around what he needed to say, left you without any answers, and once again reminded you he couldn’t give you what you needed.
A text later says the opposite of what he originally said because he needs to do whats best for him, so “goodbye for now,” he says to you. You then realize you weren’t doing what was best for you in moving on, and take pen to paper to get your thoughts out.
Then it happens. You find your relationship is actually dead. There’s no breath, not heartbeat, no chance of coming back. Any last sliver of hope is cut at the cord, and you know it’s one hundred percent done.
A picture that says a thousand words confirms your instincts. It says, “I judged you because I wanted to take part in what I judged, but didn’t know how.” You wish you felt vindicated, just, or better for knowing you were right, but you’re only left feeling sad that he never felt comfortable enough to be honest with you and your heart.
A few moments later you catch him trying to sneak past you, and you know in that moment that your relationship is really over. It’s done for good. Over as if it had never started.
The feelings of sorrow, pain, and loss wave through your body like a tsunami crashing on an unchartered course. Distractions are plentiful, but never truly enough, so you do what you can, and sit with these feelings.
You remind yourself that while you lost a limb, you’re still alive and well. You focus on the good, and remember that now you have the chance to meet the person, who not only says he’s coming to see you, but actually shows up as well.
You remind yourself that you’re valiant and strong, and that being single doesn’t actually mean you’re alone.
This truly is a new beginning. You wipe the tears from your eyes, journal through your crazy, and close your eyes knowing that you gave it your all.
You think love is fickle and fine, but the love that you share with yourself is the love that needs to stand the test of time. You remember to give yourself the hug you needed today, and that you’re one of the lucky ones who got to feel this way. The love you miss isn’t the love you needed, and while it may hurt in this moment, you hold the power to change this feeling.
Yes, it’s over, but thats ok. Now keep your head up, breathe, and just take it one step at a time. Don’t rush into anything, just gently find your feeling, and know it will all be ok.
P.S. You’re amazing.